Shit That Sucks

It would be called Jeopardank and be played just like Jeopardy, except for totally being about weed related shit and all the players and judges and emcees and audience would have to be blazed. But there would be a few major differences like the Daily Double would be the Danky Doob-le and if you didn’t know a question exactly correct, if you said something awesome enough then the judges would still give you credit: for example if the answer was “This 2003 satire flick parodied the predictability of teen films’ plots and characters?” and you responded “Uh, what is I don’t fuckin’know dude but Varsity Blues was fuckin’ awesome dude.” then the judges could decide to give you credit. It would have to be on the internet to be totally cool ‘cuz sponsors would make it lame, but I think it would be totally razor. It would also be cool cuz’ it would be super-hard to be bombed and remember to phrase everything in a question. Me and my bro’s are playing it now and we totally keep forgetting to respond in question form. It’s fucking hard!!! A’ight. Out.

OK. A lot of you may not know this but there is an organization called the Bilderberg Group that is comprised of the world’s richest bankers and political figures. It is basically run by the bankers and the politicians secretly work for them. You can get a little background on this group in the ace webvid “The Obama Deception” (relax–not Republican). OK, so here’s how it works: every year the site of the annual Bilderberg Group meeting is announced, and it’s protected by the CIA and the police. No one is allowed at the meeting except for the attendees and the hotel employees. There is one fatal weakness in the Bilderberg Group’s armor; you could get a job at the hotel where the Bilderberg meeting is taking place with a friend who has terminal cancer (very important) as soon as the location site is announced. So you get a job as a cook and your friend with terminal cancer gets a job as a waiter. You would have to do like a really good job for a while so you could be sure to get all the best shifts. When the Bilderberg group came to town you would have to make sure to work that day. So here’s what you do: put shitloads of weed into everything cooked for the catering of the Bilderberg group’s meal (you would have to save up for a few weeks and not smoke any of it yourself). The Bilderberg Group would all get super-high and instead of talking about ways to covertly control the world’s resources and money supply, they would start getting into free ideas following the influence of weed’s truth. When they really started getting into it, the waiter (friend with terminal cancer) would come out and say: “Members of the Bilderberg Group, you have all just become members of the Bilder-’bud’ Group because my friend and I spiked all yall’s food with some marijuana. Relax, you should not kill me out of anger because I have terminal cancer. but we wanted you all to know that there is another way of life that you all have not seen, a way of truth. Stop the greed, and free the weed.” After that, all of the members of the Bilderberg Group would change their ways and start trying to make happiness and weed the center of the group’s interests instead of trying to control the world. They would allow a cure for cancer to be found (since the healthcare industries don’t want a cure for something, only medicine), and cure the dude who told them they had been spiked. They would also change their name to the Bilderbud Group in honor of the waiter who told them what had happened. They would remain a private, mysterious group since it has been so effective for them in controlling the world, but now their meetings would center on establishing a Stoner World Order that would bring a new light of truth to the land. The thing is, this could really happen.

What if a stoner won the lottery and bought a bank and a McDonald’s in a small town and put weed in all of the food? The whole town would be high and everyone would be happy and start to question authority, plus the lottery winning bank and McDonald’s owner would be even richer cuz’ everyone would want his McWeedLT’s and dank McNuggets. The cops couldn’t bust him because he owns the town’s bank which pays their salary. Once this “bud”-frastructure was established in one town, the weed restaurateur/banker could expand to other towns and take over the world with weed McDonald’s and banks that could control the cops. If this could happen, all of our weed dreams we talk about on this page could become reality.

You know how sometimes you can’t decide what to eat because you want a bunch of different things? I think it would be killer if there was a restaurant that sold tiny versions of all different kinds of food for really cheap. Like they would sell mini tacos, burgers, plates of spaghetti, soup, pizza. You could get one potato skin instead of eight of them, or one chicken strip, or a miniature set of mozzarella sticks. Then you could get like six different things and have a little bit of everything you want but only pay the same as one meal. It’d be kind of like tapas, but way better since tapas aren’t that good (who wants to eat weird Spanish food when they have munchies?). Jack in the Box kind of does that, but I’m thinking of a place with wider variety.

I know it’s kind of a crazy idea to be giving kids weed, but hear me out. We need to rethink all of our values and question the reasons why certain things are forbidden, or why certain things are taken as a given, right? I mean, one of the main reasons people smoke bud is to expand their consciousness. So I was thinking about it the other day and I wondered why it is people think it’s so bad to let kids see their parents smoke, or why it’s so terrible if a kid gets high. I know that smoking isn’t that good for your health, but what’s wrong with giving a kid a brownie or something? Is getting high really going to damage the kid forever? I think if we gave this some thought and started letting kids in on weed, within a generation we might have a better society. No more wars, kids wouldn’t be such dicks to each other, there’d be less jock bullshit going on and people would be way more mellow and good to each other. Think about it. Who are the most chill people you know? Long term stoners, right? So, the earlier kids get started the better, right?

Have you been to Highdeas.com? It might be the funniest website of all time. For those of you not hip to the fact, it’s a site where people submit ideas they’ve had while high to be voted upon. The submitted ideas run the gamut from snack suggestions to prescriptions for weed-based New World Orders. I can’t stop reading the entries, dude. They’re fucking incredible. Check out this sample on the “elderly problem”:

here in europe, don’t know if it also appliesd to america(but it could). we have a ‘problem’ called greyification(means that the ratio old/young will begin balancing more to old). in general i think i can say that there is an age-gap. old and young do not communciate with each other well. (i know a lot of young people but don’t know many old dudes, while they CAN be cool also).so i thought of the following.
- if one day weed were to be made legal. the goverment should let the old people in the resting houses supply the weed. here is why.
-old people in houses do not always have much to do, this could be a hobby(+they could talk to the weedplants)
-they can feel that are doing something for the community.
-they have a lot of free time and there are a lot of old people present all the time, so the plants will be taken care off well.
- if they also could sell it, they would come into contact with young people, and maybe tighten the gap between yound/old
-they can earn if they wish so to earn some money, of pay their bill there with it.
- and i think alot of them old people want to get high (but some don’t know of it)

It’s basically the greatest website of all time. So, Davetavius, hellamatt19tenthousand, and myself have decided to sign up and post our own satirical highdeas. None of us smoke weed anymore (it makes all of us paranoid — I have often theorized that weed has that effect on everyone with an IQ over 135 unless they’ve been smoking it for a long, long time), but we’re all three super insightful motherfuckers, so we feel qualified to pose as ripped philosophizers. And we’ll be cross-posting our highdeas here.

Is it just me, or is this guy supposed to be every dude who went to high school west of Palm Springs and south of Pismo Beach between 1987 and 2001? And is Jack in the Box encouraging people to drive when they’re high? I think this is my favorite commercial of all time.